random heart thoughts pouring out

i'm honestly okay.
probably on the outside, i put up this wall, or front or whatever you may call it.. the sense of being okay. being okay with my life. and i am. i don't complain much about my life because i'm alive, breathing, i've got great people around me .. what more can i ask for? i know, right now i'm struggling in life, trying to finish my nursing career and start working.. and then go back to school to get my degree, but really.. it's just a part of life. it can't be all dips and daisy's for me, something worth it, is worth fighting for.

fighting for.
what am i getting at? i guess, even tho i seem okay on the outside, some part of me is still not okay. i can't handle this part of me sometimes, and i just get all emo about it. haha. yea, lame. but throughout my existence, i really haven't had one to say i was really in love. love love, in love, in love already, type love. i would talk to guys who seemed cool, but it never worked out.. i guess you can call me picky. but i don't wanna open my heart to someone who's just going to stomp on it and just leave me, heartbroken.

i crushed on guys, most of my entire life that i had this attraction to guys. but the whole feeling of love and genuinely liking someone not for their outward appearances or what they have, but just them as a person, as one; it happened my junior year of high school. there was this guy, i knew "about" for a while, since middle school but never really talked-talked to him just the friendly hi, bye. type thing. but we were in some of the same classes together that year, so we got to talking. strictly friend mode. i really didn't pay him much mind at first cuz i really didn't know him. but seating arrangements came along cuz my friends and i were too loud, i sat closer to him. he was cool, shy, awkward, but nice. got to talking to him more .. and found out he was so funny, and i couldn't get over that. got to know him more and more, and started tracking feelings for the dude. i really did like him. but i was way too shy to admit it to him. plus i didn't want it to be all awkward, and i enjoyed being his friend. year after that, i still liked him, and the year after that. i like this guy for a while.. and we still talked, got closer, and everything.. i thought he liked me back but.. idk. nothing. but now he has a girl, happily together probably for like 2-3 years now? that's sweet. but honestly, i get all bummed when i think about him. i teared up when i read his note in my yearbook. :/ (i know, lame) maybe jst at the thought of what coulda, woulda, been.. if i actually told him how i felt. but that's all in the past.

then had a few crushes here and there.. but it never came to the point of me really liking them like how i liked him. i was just stuck in that.. comparing every guy i met to him, and how they didn't match up to him. it was sad. i guess i needed time to let him go outta my mind, and be okay with it.

then last year i met someone. same thing, didn't mind him at all in the beginning.. really, i thought he was a douche bag cuz he was a pretty boy. and he had a gf at the time. second sem, he didn't have a gf, we got closer, he was hella funny. and i mean we started talking/hanging out more and more. but again, nothing. i guess i'm not gf material. just that homegirl that's there for you. -_-

i hate that feeling. feeling like i won't find somebody. and that my chances are slim to none. i know i have my whole life ahead of me but.. tomorrow is never promised.

idk, sometimes i feel like it's my fault for not taking the initiative and telling the person i like how i feel.. but i'm afraid of rejection. it hurts. i guess that's what's going through everyone's minds tho.. ahhhhh. and it's funny i'm not even on my period to be writing this shit, nah, it's all because of me finding shit to remind me of these hoes. which unleashed deep feelings that wanted to be written down.

hopefully i'll find the one. one day.
one i could love on, and who could love on me with the same mutual feelings going on and just be happy with each other. i don't want to be lonely in this life. truth.